Confessions....

Some may think that in order to be in such a profession as a peep show dancer that one would need to be interested in sex, willing to give it up, likes sex with strangers, prostitution or really care about and be interested in other people's fantasies.

Let me implore you to believe me when I say that I am none of those things. It is the truth. In fact, during the time I was working in the peep show I had had a boyfriend and he can attest to the fact that I lost all interest in sex after the first few months of working there.

The thing is, hearing the things that the men would say, watching them play with themselves, having to pretend that they would get some had it not been for the window between us and all that stuff really wore on me. It wasn't that I felt bad about myself, I had a healthy self esteem .... It was that the idea of sex became really unappetising for me. I NEVER slept with anyone for money or anything like that. I was NOT a prostitute. I really wasn't interested in any of the men or what they said to me. That really was all an act. Thing is, I could only hear so much depravity before I simply wanted to throw up. With all the sex I had to hear about, imagined or not.... It really turned me off.

I wasn't attracted to men anymore, but that doesn't mean I switched sides. I mean, one can't be a lesbian without first having those tendancies. I really didn't save for the one or two times I actually was attracted to women. That is another story and was completely about the personality and not a sexual attraction. I digress....

Naturally I have little to no human compassion. I don't relate with other humans well. So when a man would tell me some horrible story, it would illicit no sympathy from me in the slightest. I would have to pretend to in order to make more money. It was an entire show. This also got very old fast and I had become worse and worse at this part of the game.

During shows I would day dream off and away from the place. If the guy had actually noticed that mentally, I wasn't there and actually call me on it.... I would get bitchy. Afterall how dare he bring me back to that reality. I was on auto pilot. No longer did I actually have to put any thought into what I was doing or saying. Usually no one noticed but there were those occassions and people that did in fact notice that it was rather scripted and well rehearsed. They would attempt to challenge me but I just wasn't into it. Try as I may, if I lose interest it is fuck all to get me to get back to it. My pay did suffer a little and I was subjected to questions by staff at the place. Though I was a contractor- I paid them a fee to be there each night.... They also took interest into our earnings as they took a percentage out of it as well.
I had been the top earner making the most and having the most repeat clientele. Though now, I was suffering in those areas.

The truth was that I was sick of it all. How could I not be? I was not some dull twit working there in order to fuel my low self esteem by using the encouraging words from customers to keep me alive. I didn't need the constant reassurance like some of the other girls did. I wasn't working to support a drug habbit nor make new hooking clients. I also wasn't trying to get scouted for a porn, though I had been asked before. (I declined of course) I also didn't have any children and/or dead beat man whom I was trying to support.

In fact, I was educated and bright. The management had asked me several times what I was doing there.... At the time I had taken the position because there was little else and I was bored and thought it would be amusing. It was for a little while but then the amusement went away and I was left with the nauseating images of countless men wanking it to my acting abilities.

It was frightfully uninspiring.
However I did learn about the penises of various culturals.
I learned that some people from certain cultures were not well endowed at all and failed to see one who would buck the system. Seriously, not a single penis to throw an exception to the rule.
I also learned that some stereotypes about other cultures were NOT necessarily true at all.
Interesting if I wanted to do a case study about cock size and culture, but honestly.... No thanks.

In fact it has ruined one thing for me. I have a friend who prefers men from one of the small cock cultures. When I see her with a man.... I have to think about the hundreds and hundreds of his cultures people's cocks I have seen and know the general size that his has got to be. Very sad and not an image I really want in my head.